Watching this election has been both hilarious and terrifying for me – it’s hilarious to watch Donald Trump talk, until you realize that this guy has an actual shot at becoming our next president. In honor of the upcoming election, I’m choosing my favorite Donald Trump quotes and explaining why they made me laugh hard enough to temporarily forget how depressing his campaign actually is.
- “I know where she went — it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it.”
You may think that Trump’s reaction to Hillary Clinton using a restroom during a break during the Democratic Debate is over the top, but you have to remember that he finds bathrooms so disgusting that he has actually learned to release his fecal matter through his own mouth to avoid them.
- “I was actually faithful to my wife for many years, until I realized the marriage wasn’t gonna work.”
Of all the great quotes from the recent Trump tapes, this is the funniest one that isn’t too vulgar to print.
- “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault”
Maybe we should have asked Trump to release his tax returns and his I.Q. score.
- “It has not been easy for me, it has not been easy for me. And you know I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.”
We lesser mortals cannot imagine the hardships that come with trying to start a business with only $1 million.
- “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”
Uninformed egotistical manchildren say the darndest things.
- “He [Pence] and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree.”
It is always a good sign when a presidential candidate cannot even agree with his vice presidential candidate over international policy.
- “She does have a very nice figure. I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
I’ve said that if Trump had not started out with a small loan of $1 million, perhaps he’d be that guy who Child Protective Services makes sure to check in on at regular intervals.
- “My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”
So that’s why there’s always someone insulting you on Twitter! I thought they were doing it of their own free will, but clearly everyone from Ted Cruz to Cher was forced to tell the truth about you by the power of your Twitter account.
- “In the second grade I actually gave a teacher a black eye — I punched my music teacher because I didn’t think he knew anything about music and I almost got expelled.”
This right here is the quote of a great presidential candidate. I can’t wait until he becomes the president and then we hear one of his speeches include “Last week I actually gave the Prime Minister of England a black eye- I punched him because I didn’t think he knew anything about politics. I almost got kicked out of England.”
- “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Yeah, you all knew that one would be on here.