Earlier this year I went to a softball camp at the University of Oregon. It was a camp that lasted all day, and at the end of the day, the head coach asked everybody to raise their hands if  they wanted to play softball in college. I kept my hand down, but when I looked around everybody else had theirs up. As I sat there amidst the raised hands I wondered how many hours of work they had put in to be so good and if they knew ever since they started playing rec softball that they were going to play in college. I wouldn’t call myself good or bad at softball, but I think the main reason I tell myself why I wouldn’t do it in college is because I would have a hard time managing my time between working and playing the sport. But I think the real reason is because I would not have the willpower or passion for the sport to put in the work needed to become good enough. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the sport. I play for high school and a club team, I love seeing my friends after school everyday and I love the feeling of succeeding in my sport. I think I may just the most indecisive person in the world 

I completely envy those who are born with a passion. It is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that people know what college and career they aspire for in their future. What do you mean that you have wanted to go to Stanford Law since third grade? I have no difficulty seeing myself in certain careers, but the problem is that I have the same amount of passion towards each path I could take. Psychology? Forensic Science? Anthropology? Biology? Criminal Justice? Maybe Marketing? There are so many paths I want to discover, but not enough time to see if I love it. I take the saying “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” too literally. I have one egg in each basket, but what if I have 20 baskets? How am I supposed to hold all the baskets at once? Will I just end up dropping them all? This is a topic I think about a lot because it involves so many unknowns, and I am sure that whatever path I choose, it will work out. And I try to avoid the what-ifs because I know it will cause a spiral of 10 million other what-ifs, but the biggest one is suppose that I choose my path, and there is something better for me still out there. 

My junior year is more than halfway over and the encroaching fears of senior year and beyond come into view. I constantly feel like I am doing something wrong or I am not doing enough to support my future. But I take a deep breath and remind myself that none of this is the end of the world. All the seniors this year have almost made it to the end, and quite frankly it is inspiring to me. This is a thought that I come across almost everyday now and even though I tend to spiral thinking about this sort of thing, there is still a bright side to not being born with a raging passion for something; I have not set myself up for failure. This sounds negative, but I actually am grateful. I still do often fail because failure is a result of learning, but I am protecting myself from the immense disappointment and embarrassment of something that has been leading up for my whole life. Since I am thinking about this almost constantly, I have set a goal for myself: stop taking the safe route and stop procrastinating; I advise those who are having the same problems as me to do the same thing.