Heartbreak. In our young, teenage years, heartbreak is one of the most painful emotions we can feel. Contrary to popular belief, heartbreak can come off as many different emotions, not just sadness or pain. Anger: “I hate you and everything you’ve done to me.” Disbelief: “Did you really mean what you did to me?” Contemplation: “What did I do to deserve this?” Even relief can initially be felt: “Wow, I’m so glad that’s over… I think.” There are endless other emotions and solutions we immediately jump to after facing this kind of hardship, but it’s not all just represented in sadness. High school teens have emotions that are out of control, and stay that way for a while. I mentioned this in my Lake Views first issue column, but we often don’t expect heartbreak in our relationship, or we don’t expect it to hurt that bad. But really, in our teenage years with hormones skyrocketing, this is the time heartbreak should be hurting the most. 

Oftentimes after a breakup, we think to ourselves, “Why wasn’t I good enough?” and I don’t want to say that’s rational thinking because obviously the breakup wasn’t a matter of whether or not you were “good enough” but we think that way because fresh out of a breakup, we’re still “in love” or have feelings for the other person. Most people cannot view their ex-partner as the bad guy right after their breakup because the idea that “they were the one” is still true to us, and when someone “is the one” then everything that happened is innocent in our eyes. And honestly, your ex may or may not have been “the bad guy.” Maybe there was no bad guy. Maybe it just didn’t work out the way you guys wanted it to, resulting in big mistakes and hurt feelings. Obviously, toxic relationships exist, and trust me I know very well about the feeling of never being good enough in a relationship, but heartbreak does not measure your ability to love another person. Your relationship does not define your capacity to care for and nurture another human being. That is not your responsibility to feel. 

It might be odd to write about such a romantically depressing subject so close to the day of love, but we often forget about constant heartbreak and only focus on love. In a relationship, heartbreak is something that comes along. Heartbreak is not the opposite of love. Just like how day and night may seem like opposites, they’re not. The day cannot exist without night, and so, the night cannot exist without day. Love cannot exist without heartbreak, and so, heartbreak cannot exist without love. Fights happen and things come up, but communication also exists to combat that. Remember to communicate in a relationship. Don’t throw things away to avoid the messy process of making things stronger. 

Getting over heartbreak is a process. With Valentine’s Day coming up it may be impossible to think about anything else, and that’s understandable. The first step in healing is allowing yourself to feel that hurt in your heart. I feel like hurt only happens to those who truly did care. If someone didn’t care, then heartbreak wouldn’t exist at all. Knowing that you cared for a relationship and the person allows you to realize over time that you are capable of giving someone love, contrary to what you might believe right after a breakup. Whether or not that person deserved it is a different question, but you loved them with what you had, and that should be the most important part to recognize. 

I think another important step that people often overlook is giving distance. You would never go towards a fire that would hurt you, so keeping yourself away from someone who causes pain for you at the moment is the smartest way to go when you’re shielding yourself from more heartbreak. Stop stalking their socials, looking through old photos and I think most importantly, if someone will not stop talking about the person in question, give them a gentle reminder that you’re not feeling quite well enough to talk about them. For anyone with a friend who is going through a breakup, I believe that the best way to support them is to give them space from the person. Don’t talk trash about the other person together, don’t give them updates on the other person and if your friend does ask you for updates, make sure updates are really what they want. 

I’m not going to say the classic line “there are plenty of fish in the sea” because I get it, that person was your fish and it’s hard to ever imagine any other kind of fish in the sea. Feeling that is part of the cycle of recovery. While they might have been the only fish in the sea for you, think really hard. Were they the only fish in the sea that would treat you well? Or were they the only fish in the sea that you saw? I guarantee you that while it may have felt they were the one for you, they might not have been the one to treat you right and there is a big difference. Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve a fish that treats you well. Not just a fish that makes you think you’re being treated well. You shouldn’t have to question whether or not your ex-partner’s actions were normal and acceptable in a healthy relationship. 

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” This line said by Bill to Charlie in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” struck me hard. Recently I read a piece of writing written by the Instagram account A Letter a Day, exploring this thought of “we accept the love we think we deserve.”

Basing the level of love we receive off of our perception of self-worth is something that is very common in relationships. Toxic relationships stem from insecurity within ourselves. We let ourselves get treated like the bare minimum because something in our minds tells us that that’s all we deserve and that our partner is just revealing that to us. Our toxic lovers were there to create a false sense of security for ourselves because finally, someone can love us. After the breakup, it starts to become glaringly obvious that you deserved better. You’re not stupid, reader, you happened to encounter someone terribly good with their words. Time will pass, life moves on and you deserve better. Remember to stop accepting the love you only think you deserve with open arms. In your journey to recovery after heartbreak, realize that you should accept the love you deserve, and the love you deserve should be the highest of quality.