Dear Freshmen,

On behalf of the whole school, I would like to officially welcome you to the worst four years of your life. Don’t get me wrong there can be some good times, but those are mostly overshadowed by the vast number of mental breakdowns you will soon encounter. In an effort to help your class survive these four years of hell, here’s some advice to live by.

For starters, your entire class needs to learn their place. Stop hanging out upstairs in the English hall, that spot is reserved for the seniors. You will get your butts kicked if you don’t stop invading other classes’ spaces. Also, stop fighting against the social hierarchy. The rest of us have done our time at the bottom of the food chain, now it’s your turn to suffer as we did. Just because some of you have older siblings doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want; you can’t. If the rest of us had to suffer, so do you. 

I would like to remind you that at away games you still have to stand in the back. I have personally stood behind way too many freshmen at football games than should be considered socially acceptable. So please just take my advice and stand in the back before an angry upperclassmen decides to take out their frustrations on you.

I don’t know what kind of COVID confidence you guys have going on, but it needs to come down a few hundred notches; you are not all that I promise you. You guys strut around like you rule the school, please just leave that to the seniors. 

Also, the PDA has to stop. I have seen one to many couples being all lovey dovey in the hall for me to handle. We get it, you’re in love or something. You don’t need to rub it in every single person’s face. 

Finally, y’all need to invest in some warmer clothes. Winter is coming and I will tell you now, the heat in the school sucks. It might be nice to show off your hard earned abs over the summer, but summer is over. Please just buy a sweater or something. All you guys who come to school in head to toe Nike, you are the new highlighter kids from elementary school. You know the ones dressed head to toe in neon Nike? You are those kids. Believe me, it’s not the best look. Maybe trade in those shorts for a pair of pants. And to all you girls stop rolling down the waistband of your pants. We get it, you’re skinny but you don’t need to show your whole stomach to the school every day. Again, it is getting cold and the heat sucks.

Sincerely,

An annoyed junior